i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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