My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
