You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
