On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish you could order shots online.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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