I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
