I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
