I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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