My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
