ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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