somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
