my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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