when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
