So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize