The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
