Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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