The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
