maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
