I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
