Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just invented taco cereal.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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