Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize