He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
