Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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