every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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