remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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