I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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