3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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