Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
