im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
