it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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