I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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