On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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