Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
