my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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