For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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