You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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