ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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