I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize