Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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