Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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