Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
