If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
