I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
