I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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