saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
