I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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