What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
