I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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