How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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