Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
