oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
