ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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