I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
