I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
