I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
