if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Pooping to opera.
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