The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
