Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
