I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
