did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
pop tarts are not kleenex
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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