I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
