on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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