I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
